There’s no rush I tell myself as I attempt a beginning to this muse and with that unshackling of the mind I’m off. So often we get stuck, or feel stuck, not actually stuck, just in need of a slight shift. Now and again the answer we’re looking for is just written on our backs. The only way of seeing it of course will be via introspection as no mirror can show you and if one could it’s angular profile would provide exactly that. One year on from when Wifi was my best friend I feel as though what he now provides isn’t strong enough. Music is coming up trumps for me. Wifi is only enabling me to visit the four pages I have saved as bookmarks and only ever visit unless my boredom takes me to a deeper or more exotic level. At least with music and it’s ever changing tones and metaphorical consequences I can experience something new.
And as I start a new paragraph with ‘and’ I enjoy the inevitable anguish the fastidious fellow will feel who is only capable of pointing out ones failure(s). Of course unable to remind himself that convention is a thing of the past, yet even I started a new paragraph for no reason. We’re dragged towards normality and convention like magnets. What’s funny is I’m only a matter of lines in and already concerned what anybody who reads this will think. I don’t remember caring quite as much as I do now and only is it age and fear that brings it on.
I am ok. We’re all the same.
Well, not all of us. I will talk to the waiter supplying my knife the same way I would the chef who cooked the food itself. My Dad has definitely taught me well. I will say hello to a smoking cigar strolling along the range, even in the knowledge I am unlikely to receive the same experience. And he isn’t even the worst. I am realising roughly twenty-five times a year with each signing-in that this environment isn’t what I was expecting. It is cold despite the warm temperatures. I feel occasionally lonely despite the circus in which I am supplying. But what did I expect? I’m not sure. I didn’t expect much from anything or anybody but myself. And on the odd occasion my expectations are surpassed by a stranger I can’t help but smile. But never more, it goes against the religion I have followed to get me here. Critique has supplied me with answers but not happiness. And I’m not finding any in the answerless conundrum that surrounds my curious mind. But I love competing.
I am a little confused. But I hope most of us are.
Thoughts are only representative of time but internet mistakes are forever, hence the reason I decided to discontinue my 140 character rampage for the opportunity to express myself in length. And I have fallen into the trap of seemingly everybody else who participates in this world that just can’t stop talking. Even if I did believe in secrets I’m not convinced I would keep one. A reclusive mind is mysterious but mine hasn’t reached that point yet. I’m in the adolescent ‘change the world’ mode. Which is strange considering I don’t envy anything about my adolescence. Even though I know it’s a waste of time I still write and post in the hope it might affect someone but not effect them too much as individuality is perfection.
Even I’m slightly scared that I can write these words, made worse by the fact they are occasionally embellished based on a truth. Why exactly I am about to post this I’m not totally sure but I think I would rather these thoughts be explicit and not remain implicit. I am not worried about the ramifications of an onlookers surprise which suggests I am ridding the fear that has gripped a part of me with recent age. And that is a good thing. For it is fear that stops us all.