I suppose it was inevitable that having only been separated from our new puppy five hours ago, I would be writing about being alone. Alone I am in seat 21F with nobody sat beside me. Good job because I’m always afraid of somebody accidentally peering into my phone for the fear of revealing my unfinished thoughts. Once they’re out however, they’re out. That never embarrasses me. Plus I’m always drawn to the feeling that I have when I see someone writing something that appears personal. The wonder if whether what’s being penned is truly worth it. Surely overstated. Rumination.
But that’s the nature of my job. It’s the nature of many people’s jobs. The beauty of travelling alone is that it enables me to experience plenty of ‘me time.’ The beauty of company is that it rebalances the sanity in my mind.
I don’t remember when exactly I started talking to myself aloud, but I remember doing it profusely when I was 19. That was the time of Anthony Robbins, Bounce, The Talent Code and plenty of other eye opening stories. I used to go out on the course at Drayton on my own, in my own world, and talk out loud to myself. I would have to stop what I was listening to on my iPod obviously so I could respectfully hear my thoughts. That would be rude otherwise. I’ve never really talked to many people about this habit. I’ve told Jen that I do it and she simply cannot understand. All she understands is that I’m clearly mad. It’s like I have this other person, this friend who I converse with, open up to, he knows my deepest thoughts and I articulate them to him. If nothing else it’s great speaking practice. But I think it is something else. I think it’s a consequence of being a golfer for 20 years. I think it’s a side effect of being alone. When it comes to golf, I would always rather be alone on the course than with anybody. I am 100% comfortable with who I am, alone on the golf course. It’s a sanctuary for me. I guess you could say I’m not really alone, I’m with the person I’m talking to. I’m just not sure who he is or what purpose he serves. I’m sure someone can tell me.
This ‘other half’ of me however is part of the reason why I’ve shied away from any psychiatric help over recent months and years. I believe that the best way to change or to receive help is to open up. Open up your mind and reveal your vulnerabilities. I presume most people don’t do this with themselves. I do however. And so there really is nothing I could tell anyone that I haven’t already told myself. Not only is this person I’m talking to my biggest critic, he is my biggest friend. And there’s nothing we don’t talk about. Whether it’s political talk, why God doesn’t exist talk, anti-pull-hook talk, the meaning of life talk, it’s all there. Me and my little gremlin friend.
The more I digest the consequences and reasons for these actions, the more I intuitively feel that it’s a smart thing to do. To become your own mentor is surely a great achievement no? Especially if that mentor can see things objectively.
“Your only hopes are all within you- Elysium, Bear’s Den.”
This is the crux of life, success and improvement. Responsibility and accountability: It’s the only way to a brighter future and one that you will understand.
Sometimes I turn on LBC, and often it’s when James O’Brien is on unfortunately. Normally I let him speak, give him his opportunity to express his dissatisfactions and then I turn the radio down. It’s my turn to talk. So I do, I explain to him why he’s wrong, how he’s wrong, and I even give myself as many opportunities I want at making sure it’s God damn fucking eloquent. I consider calling in but of course I bottle it.
I’ll talk to myself when I’m driving, it’s the perfect situation, but if I stop at say a set of traffic lights and there’s a car In front of me or beside me, I’ll stop talking. Afraid that they’ll look in the mirror and be thinking ‘why is that guy talking to himself?’ I completely forget the fact of course that my get out clause could always be that ‘I’m on the hands free love.’ But I stop talking. Im inherently embarrassed by this habit.
Am I alone in this? There must be other people who do this.
I’ll never forget the time I discovered that I wasn’t the only person who rocks his head at night when he’s tired. Another golfer owned up to this slightly awkward habit. Once I was away as a junior in Denmark with the team and I went to bed early because I was ill. I was ill but I also wanted time alone to listen to music and rock my head. I was undergoing my rituals and I was deep in the middle of nowhere when all of a sudden the lights were on and Andrew Johnston and Matt Haines were at the end of my bed rolling around on the floor laughing. I don’t know what they thought but boy was I embarrassed. I remember saying it was a ‘side effect of my flu…’
Revealing these habits of mine isn’t something that scares me now or embarrasses me. I’ve completely given in to the fact that we are all innately messed up and complex in our own little ways. It’s what I love about life.
I don’t even know why I wrote this but maybe it can show young people in particular that no fear should be had in showing vulnerability. Vulnerability I’ve always found to be the first building block towards success. It should be embraced.